EPISODE 28 - My Story
“Revenge is exacted upon your abusers not by dying, but by living - really living”
Niall Campbell
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MY FINAL PODCAST
Today’s podcast is quite different.
It marks the end of the Mind Manifest podcast and is an episode where I turn the microphone back on myself.
The inner healer is a clever and amazing thing. Some years ago, whilst I was becoming somewhat disillusioned with the limitations of conventional talk therapy for my more complex clients, I came across the burgeoning therapeutic and scientific use of psychedelics and became intrigued. My initial curiosity was - I thought - purely professional. A resurgent modality was showing promise in the clincial trials, and I was professionally (but dispassionately) intrigued. That was the extent of it.
But research is, of course, me-search, and after my first few personal experiences with psychedelics, I realized that the true reason I was so interested was much more personal. I had some deep and unhealed wounds that had not been accessible to me by conventional means, and my inner healing intelligence knew as much. It knew it would have to leverage the intellectual curiosity of my mind, and therefore the only way to expose my being to the healing potential of psychedelics was by presenting them to me as something ‘legitimate’ in the eyes of the mainstream. Like I said, the inner healing intelligence is a clever and amazing thing.
I do not think I am alone in this regard -I would posit that a lot of other health practitioners and researchers in the field (if they are truly honest with themselves) know that the prepotent reason for their interest in psychedelics is not the professional or intellectual curiosity of their ‘adult’ selves, but a similarly wise desire to finally listen to the unacknowledged yearnings of their own inner child.
THE ONLY WAY IS THROUGH
What my psychedelic journeys showed me shocked me to my core.
By carefully using psychedelics, I uncovered deeply buried trauma. When I was 6 years old and during a hospital stay, I was repeatedly and violently raped by a doctor under whose ‘care’ I had been placed. The conscious memory of these events had been completely annexed from my adult mind. They came back to me with full force and clarity. It was like being electrocuted. My body had forgotten nothing. I re-experienced these events during my trips in ways that allowed me to begin to process them. This was a godsend because these buried memories were negatively influencing my entire worldview and impacting my daily life. As Jung says,
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate”.
Psychedelics gave me some sovereignty over my ‘fate’ by affording me some access to these previously unconscious memories.
THE INNER DRILL SERGEANT
For as long as I could remember, I had suffered from a type of self-loathing that was as relentless as it was unexamined. I hid it from myself first and foremost and used every ounce of my innate joyfulness to buffer it, which left me exhausted. I was the fish and this sense of being punishably worthless was the water in which I swam. On the exterior, I was a happy, high-achieving kid. Straight A’s, athletic, musical, well-liked, funny, and kind. Inside I was punishing myself with a ferocity that at times scared me, but which I thought was normal and (perhaps more importantly) utterly and unquestionably deserved. I didn’t have the tools to ask where this came from, and how it was so disproportional to any objective evidence. Like an ever-present Drill Sergeant, It just was.
I am so grateful that I was well-loved by my parents, I do not doubt that their love and support acted as a sort of anti-venom to this type of self-talk. Not everyone is so lucky.
I thought I was inherently cursed, and just foundationally bad. My life became at times little more than an opportunity to validate my existence through achievement in ways that were narrowly prescribed by my culture and family, at the expense of the expression of my authentic self. In my work as a psychotherapist, It has been my heartbreak and privilege to bear witness to some version of this story in pretty much all of the driven and deeply traumatized clients I have had the honor to work with. They don’t know how to rest, and I need to help them re-learn this vital skill, the way a stroke victim has to re-learn how to move their limbs again. I have met, negotiated with and appeased many drill sergeants in the process.
RELAXIOMATICS
When your core assumptions about the benevolence of the world are challenged by abuse in this way, it is entirely adaptive to blame yourself. The binary mind of the developing ego will have an impossible choice to make;
“Either the world is fundamentally flawed or I am.'“
The abused child will, therefore, almost always blame themselves, because the alternative is a wholesale existential collapse. It is a deeply adaptive process, but the collateral damage is enormous.
One particular childhood memory illustrates this pattern.
When I was 11 and at Catholic Grammar School, I was told a biblical story about lepers by a teacher. She outlined how before they would come into town they would peel a bell to pre-warn the villagers. This bell ringing was accompanied by a chant by which the lepers would declare to the villagers that they were
“Unclean, unclean”
I still remember having the matter-of-fact thought,
“That’s like me”.
There was no fanfare, no dramatic self-flagellation. It was deeper than that. It was an axiomatic realization.
The sky was blue, the grass was green, and I was unclean. How could it be any other way?
It was accepted deep into my mind without scrutiny.
Psychedelics have been remarkably helpful in allowing me to see ‘in real time’ how this toxic prism shaped all incoming things to my mind, and it has helped me to then painstakingly create new ways of thinking about myself and talking to myself. Psychedelics gave me a glimpse of what this might look like, and how to get there, but the real work on self-compassion started after the trips. It takes consistent daily effort.
This is why I like to call psychedelics ‘relaxiomatics’.
They take these core narratives, these axioms we have been forced to believe about ourselves, and relax them somewhat. For those of you with an inner drill sergeant who is constantly barking your worthlessness into your ear, the capcity to have a simple substance provide enough reprieve that you might start to think of yourself on more positive terms is an amazing gift. However, without consistent effort and the use of other more day-to-day strategies for health, these limiting beliefs return and ossify again over time.
COMPOUNDING FACTORS
I think for context and completeness I should also mention that this abuse occurred against a backdrop of violence - I grew up in Northern Ireland during the civil unrest known as the troubles, and as a sensitive person I hated watching the endless new reports of bombings and shootings. Masked gunmen walked into crowded pubs and nightclubs and emptied the contents of their sawn-off shotguns with nauseating frequency. The troubles further shattered my worldview that nothing and no one was safe.
I also found out in adult life that I was also struggling with the emotional impacts of an inherited brain lesion, which I believe had significant effects on my hormone levels and capcity to emotionally regulate growing up.
I have also been diagnosed as an adult with ADHD, and this like the pituitary adenoma is largely due to inherited factors. I score off the charts for ADHD but have used other skills to compensate.
I mention all of this not to garner any sympathy - absolutely not - but just to give context. When as a young person you are reeling from traumatic wounds, the presence of other emotional social, or neurodevelopmental challenges hampers your developing ability to self-soothe and learn how to cope. I believe I am good at my job as a psychotherapist in no small part because I have had to practice what I preach to function well and thrive. It has also given me a lot of sympathy for my fellow exhausted warriors who put in gargantuan levels of effort (on a daily basis) to present a certain way.
It is my job to tell them that their painted-on armor longs to crack anyway, and opening up about my struggles is - I hope a - way to model a more sustainable and less demoralising way to be.
MARCHING ORDERS
Under the influence of psychedelics, I vividly re-experienced the inexplicable and primordial terror of the abuse in my adult mind. This was as indispensable as it was harrowing. It also showed me how big an impact the additional compounding challenges placed on me, and how little slack I was cutting myself to heal and grow from them.
Part of the reason why I have not been regularly posting is that, over the last few years, I have been prioritizing giving myself the space to get to the point where I feel strong enough to not only continue to grow from this but to support others to do the same. I did not wish to speak about it until I felt that I had really put the work in and had something useful to say, and could talk about post-traumatic growth with some measure of personal experience. I am at that point now, and can share what I have come to think of as my ‘marching orders’.
I do not regularly take psychedelics, only sparingly, and with the utmost respect, caution, and humility. One of my last expereinces gave me a lot of direction and has led me to share my story here and now.
During an ayahuasca ceremony, I had an experience where I was granted the opportunity to ‘purge’ all of the suffering related to the rape into the bucket. I was elated at this prospect, and as the nausea rose and I prepared for this, I was given another equally valid choice.
I felt the ‘gravity’ in the room turn up and an immense heaviness came over me. I was given the option to not purge in the here and now but rather bear this suffering for a bit longer, not in a vain, masochistic, or narcissistic way, but in a very grounded way. I was shown that if I chose this path, I would continue to at times suffer, the experience of the trauma would not fully leave my body, and instead of purging here and now into the bucket, I woudl have to ‘purge’ n public, and share my story. The gravity was overwhelming and I collapsed onto the floor. This was to signify the silent but crushing weight of abuse experienced by so many who have gone through what I have. I was certainly not alone. I felt a heaviness in my heart that I cannot convey, but it felt like I was experiencing my own suffering combined with the collective suffering of what I have come to think of as ‘the silent brotherhood’. The scale of the issue is immense.
I will not attempt to describe this sensation or explain how exactly this message was communicated to me - using words to try to convey the power and imperatives of an ayahuasca ceremony is like trying to convey the majesty and power of Bach’s Mass in B Minor by humming it on a kazoo.
As I lay crushed on the floor under the weight of this pressure, the flamenco music being played reached its zenith, and people around were purging and letting go of their darkness, I yearned to join them.
I looked across in the circle and saw an older gentleman, sitting bolt upright. I aspired to be that like and started whispering “I can take it, I can take it” to myself,
I dragged myself up from the floor, sat up, and breathed deeply. All of the nausea immediately receded.
I had made my choice - and had received my marching orders.
There is no ‘right’ choice. Had I purged into the bucket I believe I would have quietly processed the remainder of my hurt and integrated the learnings into my life, and probably never spoken about this event to anyone outside of a circle of close family and friends. It certainly would not have been the ‘less brave path’. If that is your path, I wish you well on it. Despite what our cultural moment may relentlessly inform us, you are not under any obligation to share your wounds with the public square.
My decision to share the experience is not the ‘right’ choice either. It is simply the path that I chose and which I felt I had to follow. It taught me the following things about myself:
I can cope with whatever may come of it and I am stronger than I give myself credit for.
SILENT BROTHERHOOD
My ayahuasca journey viscerally demonstrated to me that I am certainly not the only boy this has happened to. I wish this were the case but someone you work with, your brother, your father, or your teammate has had this type of devastation visited upon them, has swallowed it like a deep sin, and has tried to keep moving forward beating the shit out of themselves as they do. The heartbreaking thing is they could be side by side with a mate in the change room at the footy club, or share a cubicle wall with a male colleague who is silently going through the same thing - also alone. It doesn’t have to be this way.
I came up with the idea to start the first chapter of the 'Silent Brotherhood'. This is a simple men's circle where men who have been the victims of sexual or physical abuse can come and be supported and heard in privacy and safety. The courage it takes to start to share your story is great, and I benefited from having a space where I could open up about this. I would not have had the strength to go public and carefully and clearly explain its impacts to friends and family if I hadn't had this type of space.
Members will be asked to openly declare that they have never passed on their sexual or physical abuse knowingly to another and that they have tried (as flawed as they are) to carry their own weight through life. The motto is simple
“You alone must do it - but you don’t have to do it alone”
It will be free and perenially so. Sexual abuse of young men and boys knows no socio-economic or racial bounds, it is rampant.
NIALL LEARNS HOW TO DO STUFF
As I think is pretty common for those paying attention, the more you experience the healing power of psychedelics, the more you start to realize that the real work, the real joy, and opportunity for growth, come in the form of day-to-day life - of honoring the prosaic elements of your life.
It is entirely possible for people to leverage psychedelics as a way to not heal but rather escape from the tasks which lie in front of them.
As I integrated my experiences, I became aware that my true calling was to simply learn how to do new things. This might seem somewhat pithy and a bit throwaway, but as a psychotherapist, I have found no better way to support my clients than helping them to lean into their deepest fears and understand that they will need to marshal their curiosity and humility in order to make it through to the other side.
I have found that hands down the best way for me to do this in my own life is to lean into things which I have been curious to do but which I have been too afraid to try.
The idea of creating some content that documents this process, I thought, might show that not only is there life on the other side of abuse, but that it can be filled with light.
I also understood from my ayahuasca experience that some of the deep dread and suffering experienced was just a taste of the suffering that my abuser had put into the world. I think it is reasonable to assume that the average pedophile (especially one who seeks their victims within the confines of establishments where they have access and authority) is rarely opportunistic but rather more proficient and systematic. The quotient of unnecessary psychological suffering this man has caused me is multiplied many times over, and I felt a deep responsibility to attempt to (with a sense of urgency and lightness of touch) redress the balance of harm he has done by matching the darkness he tried to put into the world with and equal measure of joy, optimism, and light. I have my work cut out for me.
"Niall Learns How to Do Stuff" may seem on the surface like a bit of light entertainment, but the motives are anything but. He tried to destroy me and divert me from my path to be who I truly was. If I can inspire just one person to live well and authentically and - in doing so - give the big "fuck you" to those who tried to destroy them and break their spirits, then it is worth it. it is my way of showing that you can go through things like this and still live a rich full and meaningful life, where you laugh more than you cry.
The darkest of caves needs the lightest of torches, so the traditional method of being a very serious-sounding therapist who sees one person at a time does not scale and adds unnecessary gravitas to a quest that should be characterized by lightness, joy, and humor. I am also conscious that as I lean more heavily into supporting men who have gone through what I have, it will be important to take care of myself and have opportunities to do new things outside of the therapy suite. Not everything is therapy after all!
My defiance is to live well and show others how to do the same.
You can check out the website here:
There will be no mention of any of this over there, and that is an intentional firebreak. I want this next project to start on a lighter note and stand on its own two feet.
Mind Manifest and my serious-sounding persona on the podcast are a very real and integral part of me, but now they must make way for the holy fool that is Niall and who I was always destined to become.
THANK YOU
Thank you for all the support. It has been a great delight and privilege to host this show, and I have met some incredible people and learned a great many things. Thank you to all my wonderful guests. It has been an integral part of my healing journey, and hopefully, the show and its contents have been of service to you. I feel that the project of raising cultural awareness of these substances has been largely achieved, and the momentum with which they will slide towards the mainstream and the subsequent process of commodification is upon us.
We can get caught up in the lie that we are all solitary islands in this hyper-individualistic dog-eat-dog world, and nobody cares. this is bullshit. Psychedelics have simply entered into our evolution at a time when we are drifting farther and farther away from each other to call bullshit and remind us that there is no them, only us.
They have been indispensable for me to reconnect with who I am - an artist in waiting, and a flawed but nonetheless very valid and strong individual. But they are not magic.
You, on the other hand, are.
Nolle Timere
Dr Niall Campbell
BDS MFDS Dip Clin Hyp PG Dip Psych
Niall (LS FF)
learner of Stuff, Facer of Fears
Disclaimer
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